Friday, April 29, 2011

Lark's Dating Service

Dear Mother Nature,

I think that your phone must be disconnected, your email box full of spam, and your Facebook account has been deleted. Otherwise how could you NOT NOTICE that we are not pleased with your continuing relationship with Old Man Winter. 

Lady, it is past time for you to end this fling. MOVE ON. In fact, I think it is time for a dance card full of dances with someone with a little spring in his step. 


Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Oryctolagus cuniculus is no friend of mine

Dear Baby Rabbit,

You may have not heard about my bad attitude today. You probably didn't know that I was upset and sad and mad and in need of some glimmer of happiness. I imagine (since you are not my friend on Facebook) that you were not aware that I was going out to the farm with the express purpose of seeing YOU and getting a large dose of cute and cuddly and warm fuzzy feelings. 

But your reaction to me was inexcusable. INEXCUSABLE, I say. 

Seriously, I was gently cradling you in my hands, cooing and smiling and softly petting your adorable little ears. The warmth of your soft fur was slowing softening the hurt in my heart. I was smiling. I was finally relaxing. I was having a wonderful moment of cuteness therapy.

And then you had to go and ruin it. 

Thank you so much for peeing all down the front of my shirt. I had no idea that baby bunny bladders were so large. 

(Even that alliteration doesn't take the sting of the situation away. And I love me some alliteration.)

Thinking that karma has something against me,

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


Dear World,

You may not know this, but my daddy is an inventor. He can grab some things out of his stash of treasures and turn it into a something useful. Recently he made extensions for his truck mirrors out of the bottom of crutches. Sometimes I wish I could see the possibilities in a pile of junk. I have accumulated quite the impressive pile in my attempts to be more like him. But it still just looks like junk to me. 

While I may not be an inventor, I can tell you about a two things that would be bad inventions. 

1. The Barf-O-Matic Alarm

The sounds of retching quickly awaken and rapidly deploy all mommies

~Messy to use. 
~Cause much extra housework which causes more exhaustion.
~After the initial surge of adrenaline, sleep quickly returns. 
~Occasionally the snooze button feature works, but is irregular (and unwelcome) in nature. 
~Does not seem to work on daddies. 

All attempts of utilizing this device with the daddy backfired with duplicate "alarms" from the daddy. Any and all experiments have been terminated. 

2. The Awaker Dog; a dog alarm clock

Effective in its persistent volume

~No snooze button.
~No off button. 
~No way to set the time that it would start "alarming". 
~No way to set it to not "alarm" on Saturday. 

I have confirmed these conclusions thru lengthy research. My neighbors kindly supplied the Awaker Dog for the test trials. I am currently working on another invention, "The Awaker Dog Silencer .22" with encouraging results.

Wishing I was still sleeping,